Officially a Traitor :(
So,
I call myself a traitor now. Why? Because my whole life, on the subject of children, I was completely sure that I never wanted any of my own. Never felt a motherly urge. Even when girls in high school and college were getting pregnant (yes, girls in my class started having babies when we were freshman) and talking about wanting babies so badly, I was always the crazy one who was the complete opposite in thought. I never really liked kids. Always thought that was way too much responsibility for me.
Even when my husband and I started dating, we were both agreed that neither one of us wanted kids. Okay we never really sat down and had deep discussions about this. We would usually say stuff like “oh no, we don’t want no babies!” (yes I know that’s a double negative. Sorry I don’t speak grammatically correct all the time). We’ve been together a little over 5 years now (married for 2) and recently my matronly instinct seems to have gone from non-existent to overdrive.
No freakin clue why. Suddenly the thought of us having children doesn’t scare the bajeebus out of me. I think they would be awesome kids, and very cute too. Just no clue as to why these thoughts seep into my head. Most of my cousins have kids now. Most of their kids are complete monsters, but there are a few that are actually good, cute kids. I’m not around these children much, but I do see them from time to time…I don’t think that they would have an effect on me wanting kids. If anything they should put me off the whole thing together. ugh!
I had a theory a few months ago. I just thought that I was getting lonely around the house. Just thought that I needed a companion, because that seemed like a logical reason for the matronly instinct to suddenly jump into action. My husband works long hours sometimes, and he has a 1 hour commute one way. Add that with the fact that I don’t really have friends to hang out with (not that I’m a freak, I’m just kind of a boring person, who doesn’t drink or frequent bars…that’s just me), and it can make a person feel kind of lonely at times. So yeah…the companion part. I thought that if we either had a kid that would fill the being lonely feeling and open up my social circle. But I know now isn’t exactly a good time for us to have a kid since we are trying to get things situated so we can move one day. So my other thought was: If we get a dog, that should sort of have the same effect. I would have a companion to talk to ( yeah I know it wouldn’t talk back), and it wouldn’t be so lonely around this house.
It was just one of my crazy theories. Just trying to figure my life out. Well, a few months ago, my husband surprised me with a boxer puppy. That was an awesome day. She has been a great addition to our household. She hasn’t actually opened up my social circle any, but I don’t feel so lonely when my husband works over now. The thing is….this motherly urge hasn’t gone away. It’s really freaking me out. I don’t think of just the “good” stuff about kids. I think of all the bad stuff, the things that could go wrong, the financial strain. Then it ends up stressing me out. I feel like I’m freakin going insane.
I try to talk to my husband about it sometimes with an awesome fail rate. This subject is on my mind constantly. I want to ease him into it…not freak him out, so I feel like I can’t talk to him about this as much as this is on my mind. I don’t want to push him away, yet I want to tell him all my thoughts on this subject (and believe me there are a ton of thoughts on this subject). I’m not exactly sure if his thoughts about children have changed or not. I remember one time I mentioned to him that the thought of having kids was actually becoming pleasant to me, and he said something like when we become more financially stable. And yes that is all I remember. I’m not sure if he meant that we’d talk about it then or if we would maybe start trying then. I’m almost afraid to put any hope into that, because what if I get my hopes up and I totally misunderstood him? I want this to me a mutual thing. Or like usual, I could totally be over thinking this ( it has been known to happen before). Personally, I think I’m crazy.
I just want some kind of sign that either he’s on the same page with me or totally opposed, or something. It might help me in my life quest, it might not. I just don’t want us to wake up one day 40 years from now be like “ya know, we should have had kids….That would have been nice.”
Wow. maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m afraid of regretting this later. Well duh, yeah, totally wrong reason to start popping out kids, but it could have started this feeling. I am fairly certain (you won’t get a definite yes out of me freakin biological clock-motherly urge-feeling) that in the future (maybe near future) I would like to have kids, whether they be biological or adopted. It could definitely be cool at times. I want it to be when we are both ready though. Danget…..I’m gonna have to start bringing this subject up more often…great -_- . Oh well bring it on.
Add a comment July 25, 2010
the what ifs and wonderings of hermit ( I guess that’s me)
I guess I’m destined to be alone. I mean I’m married yeah, but we both work so I see at most 3 hours of him at one time. During that time he is usally on the 360. I mean he could have worse habits, but since I married him, I would kinda like to see and talk to him on a regular basis. On weekends its like impossible to get any alone time with him at all. He is either playing xbox live or his friends are taking up all his time. The thing that rubs this in I think is that I don’t have anyone to hang out with. Basically I have no friends.
Maybe I’m just not that cool to hang out with….but then why did he marry me in the first place?
Most of the time I feel like I’m still single b/c I’m by myself most of the day. I never have anyone to talk to. It really hurts when he comes home and jumps on the 360 automatically. It’s almost as if he doesn’t even care to talk to me.
I could just be blowing this out of proportion, but it still hurts ya know!?
I guess I’m on a mission to work on my social skills and find a friend that I can hang out with and not be by myself constantly.
Although I still wonder if a pet or even kid would help me out of this losery rut that I’m in.
I guess I mainly want someone I can talk to on a daily basis and someone that actually wants to hang around me…without distractions…ya know
Add a comment March 27, 2010
Mr. Right bridal shower game (free)
Next month I’m having a bridal shower for my sister-in-law. We’ve looked everywhere for a free Mr. Right game that we could print off or download or something. I found like 2 free ones. I didn’t really care for them, so for more of a variety I’m adding the Mr. Right story I came up with. Feel free to use or copy.
MR. RIGHT (a parody of The Princess and the Pea)
Once upon a time there was a beautiful fair maiden named (bride’s name). (Bride) had dreamt her whole life of one day finding her Mr. RIGHT, marrying him and living happily ever after. She looked the world over. She looked up, down, LEFT, RIGHT, north, south, and LEFT again, that‘s RIGHT, LEFT again. But she just didn’t have any luck. All that was LEFT to do was sit at home and eat last nights LEFTovers and take a break from her search, which LEFT her quite weary.
One night there was a terrible storm with lots of thunder and lightning. RIGHT then, there was a knock at the door. She opened it to find a very tall, very handsome looking man. He smiled RIGHT at her. She thought to herself “could this be my Mr. RIGHT?”
“Hello” said he, “my name is (Groom’s name) and I can’t find the RIGHT way home and I can’t find my cell phone…I must have LEFT it somewhere.”
To which (Bride) replied, “Come RIGHT on in. If you need a place to stay I’ll have the spare room ready RIGHT away, it’s just down the hall, last door on the LEFT.”
She had a plan to make sure this was her Mr. RIGHT. She remembered a story she had read when she was younger about a Princess and a pea. She couldn’t remember exactly how the story went, so it was LEFT to her imagination.
When the room was ready (Groom) laid down on the bed to sleep in the room, down the hall, last door on the LEFT. (Bride)’s plan was in action. RIGHT away she started to bring mattresses into the room and laying them RIGHT on top of him. About 10 mattresses later, Courtney climbed RIGHT on top of the stack of mattresses and tried to go RIGHT to sleep. Now and then she heard something . . . like a muffled cry . . . but she put it RIGHT out of her mind, and was determined to sleep. Because she remembered the story saying that if she slept well then he was the RIGHT one for her.
Well she tossed and turned. She turned LEFT, and RIGHT, and RIGHT and LEFT, but she just couldn’t get to sleep.
She couldn’t figure it out. So she LEFT her bed of mattresses and found that old story book. RIGHT there was the problem. She had not been doing this RIGHT at all. So she took the book with her and did exactly what it said. She marched RIGHT back into the room and took the mattresses off (Groom).
Without a word she pointed him RIGHT to the couch. She herself took the bed in the last room on the LEFT and went RIGHT to sleep.
So you see, it worked out RIGHT like the old story said it would.
A girl will find her Mr. RIGHT, if indeed he is Mr. RIGHT, not RIGHT away but soon enough if she is LEFT to her own devices long enough. As long as she’s in her RIGHT mind that is.
Add a comment March 24, 2010
Tags: bridal shower, free, game, Mr. right
online embarrassment
I don’t know why but on facebook and myspace and junk…I get embarrassed. I know it’s probably just me feeling stupid sometimes and it kinda gets to me.
Like I just left a comment on someones quote. For some reason in my mind I was thinking it was “The Rainbow Connection”, But it was a line from “Imagine”. So like an idiot I made the Rainbow Connection comment. The like 2 seconds later someone else commented below me and said something like they thought it was the beatles. Right away I knew they were right. It made me feel like a complete fool. That’s why I’m usually the quiet one. When I come out of my shell, and feel comfortable enough to have a good time, There is usually something like this that makes me feel like a complete noob. And back into the shell I go.
I know it’s not a big deal. Heck, no one else will probably think twice about it except for me. I just wish I wouldn’t let things bother me like this. I think that’s why partly, I don’t really hang out with a lot of people. I think that subconsciously I’m always afraid of feeling like this, of people making fun, of being a complete fool.
I guess I’m just a dork at heart, and always will be. I so wish I could change that.
Add a comment March 23, 2010
just another saturday
And it’s the first of spring. Good day for it too. I already started some flowers a few weeks ago. They are doing well. Today I’m trying something new though. I planted cactus seeds. I don’t think they are going to do well, but at least I’m trying.
I’m not doing very well on the watching my portions of food this week, all thanks to mother freakin nature. I should do better this coming week. Stick to my small portions and cut out the doughnuts. And keep on the elliptical.
Zach is trying something new today too. He is starting a worm bed. He has been talking about doing this forever. He does fish all he can in the spring and summer. I think it’s a pretty cool idea.
What I should be doing right now is getting all the bridal shower games together and complete. I have until April 17, but I would much rather have them done now. There are going to be about 7 games at this shower. Some are easy…like the “how well do you know the bride” and the toilet paper wedding dress game. Those are simple. The tough ones are going to be the wedding movie game and the freakin Mr. Right game. I think I’m going to have to come up with my own story for that one….so if you have any suggestions let me know. If I do end up making my own, I’ll post it for future brides and bridesmaids.
Anyway. I’m going to try to update at least once a week. I guess we will see how that works out.
Add a comment March 20, 2010
my day 3.16.10
so, got lesson 23 out of the way tonight. Thank goodness. It feels like it took forever. probably only like 30 some more lessons to go.
I did manage to fit in a walk today. I walked to the library to try to find something interesting to read. I’ve been reading the Sookie Stackhouse books lately….but they don’t really grab my attention right away…I mean I like them. It’s a good story. I just like my vampires a little more awesome…like in the Dark-Hunter series. Those are my kind of Vamps.
so I got a book by Fern Michaels. I know I’ve read her stuff before…just can’t remember if I liked it or not. Oh well, I guess I’ll find out soon.
Oh yeah almost forgot. I had a wonderful weigh-in this morning. (because I’m weird I guess, I weigh myself every morning). I’ve been maintaining lately, but today I was down a pound! W00t!!
Well that’s about it.
Thanks for taking the time if you are one of the few who ever reads this.
Add a comment March 17, 2010
wagony
I need to get back on the wagon. The wagon of weight loss that is. I did good and lost 10 pounds from Thanksgiving 2009-January 2010. Then I kinda sorta fell off that wagon. At least I’m maintaining my current weight. So that’s good.
My SIL is having a bridal shower in mid-April, and I would like to be about 5 or 6 pounds lighter by then. I know with some focus and some effort it can be achieved. I just gotta make myself do it. Perhaps if I set a goal at like 40 minutes on the elliptical at least 5 days a week. I think I can do that. And since the weather is getting better, maybe I can schedule in a walk too.
Just need to watch the portions and cut out the soft drinks.
The only dilemma here is I need to find time to fit in my Medical Transcription class too. I’ve been trying to focus only on that lately, but I’ve been failing at that. Maybe I work best trying to multi-task.
Add a comment March 14, 2010
first time on wordpress…
…but not my first time blogging. Right now I’m just tryng out differnt sites to see which one I like better.
So far this one is kinda cool.
Just a warning though, my blogs are usually what’s on my mind at the time. So I could be mad at the makers of wallpaper one day and then conveying my thoughts on my daily exercise routine the next.
Sometimes complete randomness and chaos, others kinda really freakin boring…well to me at least.
well anyway, I have to get to bed now, So perhaps I’ll get some quality typing in tomorrow.
Add a comment March 11, 2010
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